Stick in a Hero?
A How-Not-To fiction writing clinic (Tip: start laughing before you start reading.
In my relentless search for the missing element in my stories that, if included, would elevate my work palpably, I’ve considered the possibility of a hero.
Not a Marvel Superhero like, say…
The Vicarious Vegan! He dislikes animal products through you!
Just a mysterious alpha dude who always appears at the perfect moment to save the day. Kind of a teen Deus Ex Machina. The reason I’ve never simply included a hero is my belief that the whole concept of a hero in a story is childishly corny, or just plain implausible in real life, and therefore laughably stupid in fiction.
But then I got to thinking, how would it work?
THE SCENARIO
Daniel, an unpopular nerd since middleschool, had been enduring the usual bullying and mocking all morning, when around 12:15 things escalated. as Daniel tries to carry his fish-sticks to a quiet table in the cafeteria, unnoticed, Bullfinch, his arch-tormentor, trips him causing Daniel to endure a humiliating spill, getting tartar sauce all over his Pocket-Lint-Beige cardigan.
Already, things are not going well for the story. Trying to muster much sympathy for the Daniel character won’t be easy unless his dad is a disabled combat veteran who would have been a star quarterback after serving his country if he hadn’t had his arms, legs, and head blown off by a grenade just as he was about to be reunited with Daniel’s ugly mother. But without that added back story which you’ll never squeeze in before Daniel’s face hits the floor, it’s time for…
THE HERO
At that point, the hero, Dertrick, decides he’s seen enough and it’s time to step in and bring justice to the situation…
(Yawnnnn…excuse me, I only got 11 hours of sleep last night.)
Dertrick stands up and approaches Bullfinch, stops in front of him, and says something incredibly clever, like, “You trip your mother with that foot?”
To which Bullfinch, an equal wit, replies, “Maybe. What are you gonna do about it, ass nard.”
Dertrick now has several options.
Option #1 . He can reach back like a pimp and bitchslap Bullfinch.
Option #2. He can hock a loogie on Bullfinch’s turkey burger, which would be disgusting.
Or option #3. he can invite Bullfinch to join him behind the school for a round of fisticuffs. Which makes you wonder why Dertrick is so interested in coming to the defense of the already somewhat unlikeable Daniel.
When Bullfinch throws the first punch, Dertrick catches his fist and twists his hand, bringing Bullfinch to his knees, wincing in pain due to our hero’s advanced knowledge of biomechanics, plain geometry, and reflexology…
GYAAAAWN!!! Sorry, must have been the three doppio Macchiatos I had for breakfast.
Bullfinch looks just pathetic enough to make the reader more sympathetic to him, as you realize, he’s only a bully because his father threatens to sodomize him in front of company, often.
Option #4. Dertrick devises a plan to duct-tape Bullfinch to a prominent trophy case in the school hallway and apply 1000 volts to Bullfinch’s nipples, causing him to scream in agony just as the entire school walks in the door in the morning.
The reader is now seriously questioning Dertrick’s mental stability and sympathize with poor Bullfinch, whose only crime was tripping some clumsy dork who nobody liked anyway.
Options # 5 through 8 involve slowly poisoning Bullfinch over the next 6 months, reducing him to a hapless mental deficient. His friends, whose most threatening qualities are excessive lankiness, don’t talk to him anymore, and the girls all give him that look of, “as if!”
So the hero idea is not going well at all.
The only other possible plot twist is that Dertrick reveals himself to be Mr. Miyagi and trains Daniel in the ancient art of Shaolin Kung Fu. Or transforms into Rainbow Mantis Shrimp Boy, whose 22 caliber punches crack oyster shells and produce visible cavitation sparks underwater…
Oh gawd! ‘Yaaaaaaawn.’ I really need a nap! That quarter ounce of pure Bolivian crack I just slammed isn’t doing it for me! Either that or this hero idea truly is mind-numbingly bad.
Unless I go for the action thriller approach, where Dertrick shows up at the Bullfinch residence later that evening with a sawed-off shotgun.
Dertrick, the “hero,” spends the next 200 years to life behind bars in a maximum security prison for the criminally trigger-happy.
So, I guess, we won’t be using the hero archetype in any of my stories. Maybe a plane crash! A really big jumbo jet full of people who are too culturally different from us to feel sorry for them. And it’s all caused by the arrogance of the vodka-swilling pilot who thinks he knows better than his altimeter, and crashes over the most remote mountain range in Switzerland, where the survivors all eat each other.
See? this is why we shoulda’ never tried the Hero idea.
Heroes don’t exist because if they did, nobody would like them. They would either get a lot of hateration from jealous losers who would rather bring everyone down to their level than lift themselves up. (you get that from not being allowed to make mistakes, hence, learn from them) A hero might also be questioned as to their motives. Usually, people think that if you’re defending another human being, it’s because you want to get their lunch money before the bully does.
The assumption is: If you make noble gestures, it’s for selfish motives. This is reinforced by constant bombardment with advertising. An endless string of strangers telling you their product will help you. And how much money you’ll save on 3 bottles (most popular, OH BOY!) and their motives are as close to sincere as Velveeta is to cheese.
My conclusion is that cliché, overused hero archetypes are for the Rambo, Terminator genres, and I’ll continue to rely on complex interpersonal relationships between unusual characters and intriguing storylines that are never predictable or trite because they don’t rely on lower chakra stimulation or ego-driven self-gratification…much. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. It’s just not what separates me from my counterpane in the morning. This is where I issue the warning: “don’t be that writer” and you say, “What are you gonna do about it, ass nard?”
This is hilarious. Thanks for the entertaining lesson!